Me and my mind on a conversation.

As I was sitting here at my bed softly pressing  these keyboard, I gently closed my eyes and started conversing with myself.
Way back before, I cannot understand why every time I want to touch something with sensation I end up feeling empty. As I ran my fingers on that rusty gate of an old house, I cannot touch the other hands of those  who previously had a grip on the same gate. Water just pass through my hand which is only either cold, warm, or hot but neither soft nor light. I cry when I’m furious. I cannot hurt someone physically nor raise a voice, rather it becomes monotonous. I smile when I’m most happy as laughter invalidates how I truly interpret happiness. I can see two worlds while my eyes are widely opened, some say it’s day dreaming but I bid to disagree. I can see one that’s vivid and the other remained at the back of my mind but I manage to keep in touch with reality.
I cannot paint; or draw; or play any musical instrument; or sing; nor dance; or balance; or do martial arts; or swim; or travel the world, and a lot more. Yet when I closed my eyes, everything becomes possible. When I imagine myself touching that old gate, I can feel all the emotions shared past that gate; the softness of the water; the warmth of the sun; the sadness of a blooming flower, the depth of a clear blue sky. On a painting, I can see the artist’s tears, his love, his pain, his joy, his grief, his eyes. A poets devotion, his mind, his hands,his chair. An author’s pen, his window, his heart. A musicians smile, his solitude, his world. A chef’s feelings, his tongue, his nose, his laughter.
The mind has taught me how wonderful the world can be. It is where I seek tranquility as it made me see what my eyes can’t, speak what my mouth won’t, feel what my heart cannot express, hear what my ears missed, and touch what my hand cannot sense. If we allow the window of our mind to open up under any circumstance, it would surely allow amazing things to happen.
One of my favorite movie, a beautiful mind, something  that made me understood how powerful a mind can be. John Nash as portrayed in the movie has a severe case of schizophrenia with all preceding symptoms of almost all possible delusion.
At the end of that movie, John Nash took step up the stage and took his award with humility. When he brace his wife hands as they set foot outside the room, he saw those three people who made a huge impact in his life. Yet, that time he can distinguish his reality as those people will always remain in his mind. We may have special gifts but we also have limits and the only thing that prevents us from exploring our mind is our incapability to accept those flaws and a delusion of grandiosity.
My abnormality doesn’t lie on my physical appearance rather it’s on my mental aspect. They say I’m weird, I call it maturity. It has always been a struggle for me to have a “normal” conversation nor engage in a crowded place but it is a price for me to pay in order to keep myself. What I learn on those few years trying to fit in goes with a quote from Oscar Wilde – “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all”.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s