Deathbed

Death is something that most people fear and dying is something least discussed and often avoided as a topic. The moment I grew up with death beside me I learned a lot of things. It comes in all forms- being sick, accidents, all ages, all genders- it will always seek anyone anytime. When heaven and hell was taught to me, I did believed at first but in high school I questioned one of my teachers on how the bible was written. The moment she said it was God’s words, I told her it wasn’t but it became as it is when someone wrote it and we believed them. I added that heaven and hell co-exist in the present world and as much as I believe in re-incarnation, the human spirit is worthless without the soul. I sought the answer to how can a man who suffered so much on earth will soon experience an eternal happy life in heaven if he cannot kinder his soul? Be good, do good because it will always pay back in the afterlife, yet what if there is really no afterlife at all, what if the life you will only have is this life? should you be wasting it or investing so much in the afterlife rather than your present life? would you allow yourself to crumble over and over just by following a protocol which you’re unsure if you’re doing it right? or would you rather embrace the fact that heaven and hell co-exist in this world and it is something we must live on. I choose the latter part, and it made all the difference in my life. It is not because I do not believe in God but because I told myself that He gave my body a soul for me to nurture and decide how I should let it live whether in heaven or in hell. That I think is the most misunderstood conception that often leads us to fear death. The simple thought of what would happen to your soul afterwards brings panic and much more when accompanied by the sense of incompleteness in your life.
I have seek death a lot of time. I asked when will it come to me and though I am aware of suicide, I never sought the courage to do it as it is pointless. I could have been hit by a car a lot of times but a bruise never even happened or die from faulty diets but getting sick haven’t occurred. I just can’t die and I always wondered why. Later on I looked back into my past years and I came to understood why. I have a purpose in life and that made the difference. Whenever I said “ok I wanted to die, let me just die”at those times that everything seems hopeless and everything is going wrong, I found myself pushing forward. I cannot sit and growl over it. Though it is mostly painful and projects a bad image of me, I accepted my shortcomings and my faults that I soon turned as something I share to other people.
I slept with death at my side and he helped me balance my past, present and future. Whatever my past is, I turn them into a lecture book in order to teach and relate to both other people and my present. Whenever I think about my future, I challenged myself to compress whatever I can do in the present that can help my future. Having big plans for the future is fine but as I learned how to be patient, I also figured out how to be impatient and to do anything while waiting.
To set an example, my life was planned towards being a good parent after I gave birth. That being said, I have to finish a degree, have a job and save for my child’s future. I focused so much on others that I tend to enjoy less of what I like and love to do.  One day, I took the challenge to work on a strange place with strange culture with one thought in mind. I will earn and save for my daughter as I will also try to figure out the missing aspect of myself. Few months later, I saw some news on people dying either from terrorism or terrible accidents that made me think of the what if I died today. At that moment, I gather my remaining strength to collect myself, invest more on what I like to do and the once vague image of me becomes clearer. When I took the chance to do and say whatever my intuition think is right, I was astound myself of the results. I found it easier to let go of unnecessary things that doesn’t help me, I have more of a positive outlook on things, I learned how to forgive even without the forget part, and as well as learning hot to patch up my present as a part of my big future as well as that of my child’s.
I don’t know how it will work for other people but i think it does make a difference if we involve death as a part of our daily plan with the exclusion of heaven and hell.

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