Stop asking why, marry yourself instead

Long ago, I came across a phrase that goes, don’t forget to love yourself first. Well, there isn’t an exact way to define or measure how one can say I love myself. For the most part, some sees it through embracing their body, having a healthy lifestyle, accepting ones gender and short comings, being who you are and not some imposter, etc. Meanwhile, I learned this lesson on something that everybody seems to establish wrongly, relationships.
Back in my high school days, I happen to experience one of the most challenging and notorious event in my life and at the same time, it has opened a lot of opportunity for me. Then that time I met my brother, my lover, my partner, my support , or any other name I could come up with to describe the man who had stood and guided me to recover. I had undergone a lot of dilemmas that I seek the comfort and support of other people. I accustomed myself to asking the opinion of others and not weighing that of mine. When both of us are set for college, unfortunately he did not make the entrance exam and we ended up attending different universities though we opted to have the same degrees. Years pass by and we still manage to catch up on each others life but what mostly connect us lies on planning our career. As time fleets, I noticed how less we argue, talk, make fun of other people, we challenge and disagree on a lot of ideas and the way we perceive things become less interesting. He became a stranger to me the moment we became equal. He has his own set of friends that cannot be my friends as I am more into deep thinking than shallow “fun” conversations. We still do have set of good conversations but they felt empty and pointless.
After graduation, we ended up working together but I felt more distance is growing between us so I tried to always reach him and figure out what’s going wrong. I had sets of question that goes, maybe he’s busy on having a love life, or did I or he change.. blah blah blah that all falls back in trying to figure out what’s wrong. When I was being depressed, I could not find comfort and satisfaction at his presence that I even asked him if he was really my best friend. Months passed and I took a job abroad with him staying behind. I thought I can handle myself and I did believe in the support I had. A few months and he didn’t call or send some message and I was becoming lonely that I sought the comfort of finding “love”. Until one day, I realized that I was falling in love easily and that wasn’t because I love the person but because I was getting hooked on the romance of falling in love. I was becoming more desperate each day trying to figure out something until the moment I give up on myself. I sat on my bed talking to myself, I said to her ” you are not falling apart, this is the start of having to put yourself out there alone. There are circumstances we have to face and when we do encounter them, let them slap you right in the face and have the courage to get back”. For the first time in my life, I found the perfect relationship. I love myself, my flaws, my scars, my idiocy, my passion for art and literature,my childish actions behind my deep thoughts, my “horny” mind as they put it every time I talk with people on their sex lives, my crazy ideas about everything and especially my chaotic mind full of thoughts and principles that often surprise me too. When I built confidence within myself, I managed to be more understanding and had a better way of dealing with life situations. I overcome loneliness, I had lesser stress and I am happy with who I am. As for that man, I know he will only talk to me again when he needs something or when he’s lonely unless I’m in trouble or has a gossip thing but I no longer seek the question of what’s wrong between us. Nobody changed and it’s no ones fault that we had this change of relationship, it’s just the way it was and whether I’m with or without him I am one hundred percent me and nothing has to change.
What I learned is that when you view the world inside yourself and build trust within yourself then every pieces of domino will fall on their right places. I see people having dysfunctional relationships where they always fantasize about those romantic moments ( yes there’s always the chocolate and flowers but the main point is how you could individually live a life while being together- that’s rare for sure), people having too much issue when it comes to their finances and ends up always getting a job they aren’t happy with every year, people who always worry about their future and invest too much time and effort on it ( not to mention that death can come anytime) and yeah people who worry too much on getting sick and dying. I’m not boasting on having a perfect life but the point is , rare are those people who can see both themselves and the others at the same time, being diverse and open minded is hard to achieve when you don’t know who you are and love what you are.

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